2001-03-01 - 22:29:27

A shout out to all those who kept the faith, always believed I would one day return with another entry... I am back and I Will disappoint.

so many diary entries have come and gone, recorded on the diary that is for my eyes only; I have (clearly) receded into myself, contemplated my navel and some of the dark recesses. In fact I'm not sure I'm through with that but I should check in from time to time to keep them interested, keep them guessing. I've plunged a few depths, looked them over, told myself they were okay, tried to pull myself up by my bootstraps, got plunged in darkness again. Hopefully the joy will be that much greater when I recapture it.

If I were to characterize the past few months as a narrative - which, first of all, i should not, though the temptation is there to create a rhyme or reason in this meaningless chain of events that is my life; one must create a narrative or else go crazy - it would be: slow dissipation of my life spirit, followed by smack upside the head telling me I better recapture that spirit, followed by slow work to improve spirits, brief moment of excitement when I quit my job, and another swift smack on the head (physical this time) telling me I don't know what.

I hope there's some revelation around the bend that will make all the time preceding it seem to have been worthwhile, because I'm still the same person with the same old problems, and the one sticking out like a sore thumb is still this damn aimlessness which you, gentle reader, have read so much about in that one entry, but let me return to it and say I was born without a compass, I have a map with plenty of detail, I can see all the things I can do, but none of them seems particularly appealing. And no, I don't have the drive to search out any one thing or even to do a particularly good job at anything. It's like I'm just watching a movie of my life and don't even care much how it turns out. I can throw in a fwe plot twists for kicks, but I'm not even sure if it's for my own benefit or the benefit of my fellow viewers.

The only hope I see is the springtime. perhaps then I will realize the beauty of the world once again.

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