2001-04-09 - 7:29 p.m.

Sometimes, when I don�t know what to do, I work myself into a frenzy. When I�ve been just sitting and staring and avoiding my life, when I feel that I�ve frittered my time in dribs and drabs like old J. Alfred Prufrock, when I can�t figure out what to tell myself, I just tell myself not to worry. I tell myself that it�s going to be okay, that I just have to tell myself that it�s okay for it to be okay. That there�s so much that I can do, that the past is not the future and the future doesn�t have to have anything to do with the past. That you can be sad all you want, but I might as well just be happy. That I am the master of my moods, and I will take control once again, thank you very much.

Sometimes it just doesn�t work. Sometimes there�s too much bad staring me in the face, too many things just not going according to plan for me to ignore them, and the self-starting engine runs out of steam. And then, sometimes, I just think of one person who loves me, who thinks I�m great, and I start to think, too, that I�m great and that everything�s going fine. And I smile and laugh and get to doing all the things that I�ve ever wanted to do.

My life is a chain of events, and it�s growing longer by the day. Other people have seen small segments of the chain, but I�m the only one who�s seen it in minute detail, scrutinized it and looked at it from the inside and see if it�s going according to plan.

It�s not. Most people�s lives are not going according to plan. But they interpret their past and project it into the future and hope that it bodes well. Some can be fairly sure what the future will hold, while others � say a 24-year-old single man with no girlfriend, who�s sitting in front of a computer on a Saturday night and just quit his job � can have a slightly tougher time of it. Even when they want to tell themselves that everything will work out in the end, that their lives are worthwhile and they are loved, it can take a creative mind to get in a good mood. When the newness wears off of being in a new town, when the career path they�ve been following on a lark outstays its welcome, when you get sick of telling yourself that everything�s gonna be okay because you say it�s gonna be okay � well, it just doesn�t work. When your clothes are so old the elbows are wearing out, when you can�t even find a CD to play cause you don�t want to be reminded of the time you used to listen to that CD, well, it gets harder to look on the bright side. You sit down to type something happy to reassure yourself, and it�s coming out like this. You keep looking for something to do with yourself, somebody to talk to, some CD that sings of a better future and not a better past.

And maybe, just for a moment, you think of something that if you look at it from just the right angle, and you really work it, then everything can turn around. You remind yourself that the one saving grace of this absurd life is that very absurdity. That sure, there�s no point to it all, that it�s all bunk, but that you can do whatever you want. That even if you�ve spoiled all the future you�ve had up till now, you haven�t even touched the bit of future that�s up the road a piece, and who knows what�ll happen up there. That this chain of events known as life might be going crazy and sad right now, but look back at some of the moments it�s seemed okay and trust that they�ll be okay. And trust yourself, for God�s sake, trust that fact that you�re driving this ship and even if you hit some bumpy terrain, you�re learning as you go and you�ve got a good head on you and with a little luck you�ll reach the promised land. And try to enjoy the view while you go, cause it�s the only chance you get.

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