2004-06-01 - 5:21 p.m.

All right people, let's not expect me to be updating this thing too much... though perhaps I can wean my way back onto the habit. To have an audience is key: it gives relevance to one's life, it keeps you honest, it gives you a reason to keep going. Left to my own devices I would drift into nothingness. I do not know what to do when I am alone. I pace the house, go on walks to nowhere, browse the web, think randomly. The energy of my existence dissipates into the atmosphere. With a diary, with conversation, one can at least give meaning to one's energies by communicating it.

I'll just fill it with random thoughts, I think.

For example, this weekend:

Coming home, I felt like a bit of a stranger. Been too long, the train of thought lost, difficulty projecting myself. The adults are difficult, but the children are easy. Young Richard, cute as hell, will just sit there and happily wait fr the next chance to be amused. Takes about three seconds to get him to laugh. Just make a crazy face or a meaningless noise, which, I have found, is also the most effective way to get by when you're at a loss for words. Maggie warmed up to me after a bit, having her hug me for no particular reason was one of the more touching moments of the weekend. She is a charming girl.

Yes, but there was also a nice visit with the grandparents, Nana pulling out her old basket of tricks to do Liz's nails, Grampie and I chatting about Politics and History, then riding out around Nahant to pick up a pizza. How many times have mt grandfather and I run an errand together? On the way we passed one man digging a ditch in his driveway, another chopping wood. "How bout my neighbors," Grampie said, laughing.

We made it out to the shore a different way than I'd known, to the pizza place, where the sarcastic cashier joshed the customers. "Are you sure this is the right change?" she asked him, looking for a missing ten. "Ah, you've got plenty," the man said before forking it over.

That night was the prom, and Liz did her hair and donned her fabulous dress, and pinned her corsage on her shy boyfriend Matt. Gardening around

And then there was picking out the pastries with Liz (too many mini rum babas, I am afraid) and with Mark to Wayside to pick up the balloons and an assortment of silly toys for liz's gift.

Then the party with a million little chats, talking to Tom and Martha of Africa and wild animals, about life, and politics, and wondering what else I should say, and how I could get out of every conversation I was in because it was just too much. The next day, though, an unexpected sunny brunch on the driveway and afternoon walk to the beach, just kind of hanging out in the sand, building a sand castle with Maggie, lining up sticks along the sand. "Thank you for let-ting me bor-row the buck-et," Maggie crooned, shirtless,

her hands flopping out at her sides.

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