2002-02-22 - 11:30 p.m.

number one, hello to kerlin! (I don't know who she is, I just think she has an awesome diary.) also, I figured I had to get in an entry on one the last days that features only two digits (in this case, 0 and 2). So here's another recent pondering:

Today, walking under the train tracks and watching the people wait for their bus, I felt I had been transported to some dirty washed-out future. It couldn�t be the present, it was much too big and fast and menacing for that. It was an image in the mind�s eye of some ancient seer, some worst-case cautionary tale of what could be if we don�t play our cards right. Suddenly I was jarred as if remembering that all this is just a vision, the old dangers of wilderness and the elements haven�t been replaced by our own machines, the communities haven�t been replaced by these scowling creatures I see waiting for this bus, we haven�t really become so alien yet.

Then I realize that I�ve realized this all before. Each time it�s a different metaphor for a disjointed reality that unrolls before me each day. I see that I am not living this life, I am watching it as a film on a giant screen, with eyes that somehow recall another world without ever having seen it. My entire life is encompassed by this one film I am condemned to watch, without ever truly being a part of it, and always with this gnawing feeling that there�s something else that I�m forgetting, like it�s a dream and I can�t quite remember to wake myself up. But maybe I don�t want to wake up after all.

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