2002-03-04 - 5:10 p.m.

this is what I thought last week. (What an ass I sounded like. Stupid! Stupid!)

We imagine to have last met our hero: Walking off into the sunset with his magical job, a world of possibility at his fingertips, whistling a tune and saying thank-you, ma�am, I do believe I�m satisfied. He spirals off into a world of realized meaninglessness, planned meaninglessness even. And then one day he appears among the bright lights of Southport Avenue, sporting a brand-new do, an unevenly cut head of hair that makes you immediately think, don�t look at the hair. He tells you yes, did you notice my unevenly-shaved hair? That�s what you get for going to a new barber. Oh, yes, I know I could try to even it out on the other side, maybe go for the shave-your-whole-head approach, really go over the top, but I suppose I won�t. I suppose I�ll make this added self-consciousness my further cross to bear, on top of all my other self-consciousnesses. You will begin to talk to me, and all the while you will be thinking what-is-with-that-haircut! and I will be thinking, Is-she-not-looking-at-the-haircut-that�s-because-she�s-so-aware-of-it, and neither of us will be listening to one another and we will quickly run out of things to say. That is, unless I shout out to the world, hey, check out my crazy new haircut, real special eh, they even cut off a little something extra over the left ear, no extra charge.

As if I need something else to think about when I�m trying to communicate verbally. Words fail me as it is, again and again. Silences terrify me, yet I am unable to fill them. I want to look away, leave the room, when I see one coming on, keep myself busy somehow. In a crowd I cannot finish a sentence. I begin my sentence, that is, but if suddenly my words are the only ones being spoken, I realize they are all watching me, listening to me, waiting to see where this sentence will end, and I realize that wherever this sentence was going it will never be good enough, or if it was before then it will not be now because I have ruined it by thinking about it, I have forgotten what the point was altogether and trail off. In this way I confirm my greatest fears.

One fear, a new manifestation of an old fear, is that people I know or don�t know, my roommate, my boss, friend, stranger, will suddenly say to me something that will totally destroy me, such as: Your work is terrible, or I can�t believe the completely insensitive and immoral behavior you displayed last night, or Do you realize what a total ass you sound like. The exact words the person will say to destroy my ego will simply pop into my head without warning, the moment I anticipate meeting somebody I could have slighted. It fades when I am treated civilly. It is an involuntary thought, borne of the same part of my brain that whispers to me to jump off the balcony or swerve into oncoming traffic.

Then again it�s not in control. After yoga today I had dinner with some women in the class. Just after ordering, I directed their attention to my haircut and made a joke about it, just as I had planned. We managed to converse throughout, without any awkward silences or panicking on my part. These mild neuroses don�t cripple me constantly. Only sometimes.

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