2000-09-08 - 20:14:26

Aimless I am, aimless. Why? Because I don�t believe in an aim. I drift, and drift, and drift, and find nothing to point toward. There is no point in pointing.

Is this how people find meaning in their lives? They drift, and get so sick of drifting that they create meaning for their lives? Not find, but create, knowing the choice is arbitrary, but making themselves believe it nonetheless.

Perhaps that is how people come to believe in god as well. They do not believe, and drift, but finally realize that they would rather live in a world with a god, and train themselves to believe.

This position is nothing new. Only, my aimless drifting is feeling old at the moment. Perhaps I need a new setting to drift in, something to make it interesting despite its pointlessness.

The one thing that really makes me feel alive is being disconnected from the world. Only when I left everything behind was I able to appreciate life. Being without a home, without a job, without prospect, without a specified path for my life to follow. When I came to Chicago, I told myself, I will put down roots, get to know people, make it my home, stop running. But today, as people at work talked of rumors of one company buying another company, I found myself actually wanting to be put out of a job. And I think of how wonderful it would be to quit my job, be free of responsibility and expectation. To be completely aimless, both mentally and physically.

This is the bad part of existentialism.

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