2001-07-18 - 6:20 a.m.

Back from vacation; I'll be here with details soon.

Nate is doing fine.

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Pretend I didn�t just say all that, and you didn�t hear it. That I�m not that cynical. That I didn�t just hear that last question �Why?�

Pretend I didn�t look behind the hidden doorways of my mind and find nobody there.

That everything I can ever do has not already been proven hollow.

Why not pretend? I�ve been pretending to the world all along that I�m a good person, that I understand, that I�m listening to you and I care. Why not fool myself as well?

I woke up one day last week and saw that I had faith in nothing. Nothing? I asked myself. Well, not nothing.

I had faith that the sun would rise in the morning. Faith that the laws of physics would continue to operate.

But perhaps that can be enough. I know the sun will rise, and with that sun, I will rise again, and the day will be new to me again. I will be happy again, full of possibility again.

I have asked myself, again and again, whether it�s just a matter of deciding to have faith. Maybe faith is when you decide to take something for granted, when you decide something is true, and use it as an assumption to live on. You just decide not to question any more.

So I�ll pretend to have faith. I�ll pretend I�m not hearing all these voices in my head that keep asking me what�s the point, that the world is fresh and na�ve and full of possibilities again. That all this has not been built up just so I can destroy it again.

Well, good, then. I have faith in myself. I have faith in the world. I have faith that I really am just halfway through this story, halfway to a happy ending. Yes, it most certainly is true. I�m glad that�s been decided, once and for all.

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