2001-11-13 - 9:55 p.m.

Evan, you evil, evil man.

-

Making way for a fresh start:

No matter what you do, time slips by. The sun goes up and down, seasons come and go, and life happens, whether you let it or not.

A month has passed since the job ended. Whether it�s been worthwhile I don�t know. I�ve tried to do things, put myself in situations, and see what happens. One day I was paid minimum wage to sit in the studio audience for the Judge Mathis Show, a court show with a touch of Jerry Springer. Another day I tried a job collecting donations for an environmental lobbying group. I wasn�t up for the job, though � couldn�t believe in the cause enough to be a believable salesman. Plus, all that walking gave me a headache.

I�ve also been substitute teaching off and on. Every morning I wait for the phone call telling me where to go; sometimes I teach first graders, sometimes middle school. More often then not, the call never comes, and I�m left doing who knows what. It keeps me guessing. Gotta keep things changing or I�ll start to question what I�m doing.

I try to keep myself busy. I go off to activities with the Green Party, or slice carrots at the homeless kitchen, or prod myself to write new stories. Sometimes I visit with Eric and Carolyn, and fawn over their new baby, Maggie, who�s already two months old. That�s a whole other story.

I do these things, and come home, and wonder what it means. I thought that by now I�d know that, but I don�t. I guess it will never make sense. I thought I�d swim out on my own across that ocean and reach a paradise at the other end. But now I see I�m back on the same shore I started at. I�m a bit more tired, a bit more humble. I don�t know, maybe I�m a better swimmer now. Maybe that�s all you can hope for.

But there must have been something else, something concrete learned from my adventures so far. Now, at season�s end, if I can catalog the lessons learned, perhaps they will remain with me.

Examination:

List five things you have learned in the past six months.

1. You have to love yourself. Do not be angry or berate yourself, do not worry that you are not good enough or will never get a girlfriend. You must remind yourself that you are a good person, your life has value, and you are worthy of love. You must forgive yourself.

2. Life will be hard. Life is full of suffering and we must be prepared to face it. Every morning is followed by night, and moments of unfettered optimism are likely to be followed, eventually, by moments of emptiness and self-loathing.

3. Life will be good. Even when it is dark and cold, the sun will rise again. Each day is a new beginning, a new chance for life and love. Life is a gift that will renews itself again and again.

4. New beginnings are wonderful, but they are not and end in themselves. Beginnings are idealistic, they can be perfect, but they will be followed by imperfect realities. We must anticipate this and not be discouraged; we must keep pushing onward.

5. Life is a collection of moments. There is no yesterday or tomorrow worth considering, and all you are responsible for is how you conduct yourself this instant.

I suppose I�ve learned other things, too. But I can�t measure progress by writing it on a page. That�s been one of my problems all along � the idea that filling pages with a string of words will make my life meaningful, will prove that my days have been worthwhile. My life will never make sense.

It doesn�t matter, though, because yesterday, as I rode the train, I was feeling giddy again. Today I was, too. I can�t justify happiness � no job, few prospects, not much of a life to speak of. It was the same happiness I felt in the spring, only less reasonable. Back then, I was looking forward to a spiritual thaw, a season of longer days time to myself, a chance to rediscover Chicago and do all the things I never had a chance to do.

This time I can�t explain it; I�m just happy. Maybe it�s because autumn has arrived � the autumn I subconsciously associated with death � and I haven�t died. I�m still here, and until you�re dead, unexpected happiness can come at any moment. As long as you keep trying, as long as you�re doing your best to live the way you want to live, happy moments will come. You just have to be ready for them.

previous - next