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2015-06-28 - 10:05 p.m.
Feeling a little lonely tonight.
I try to find little things to fill the space in my heart. Lately it's been the cheap thrill of finding that one more thing to fill my apartment. This weekend it was one more chair, and a cast-iron skillet. I imagine other people coming over and complimenting me on my new chair, or the meal I’ve cooked in my skillet. Most of my thoughts are daydreams. I daydream of conversations with the people who will come over to see me in my new life, the witty things I will tell them, much wittier than the things I tell in real life. But in the end, I don’t know when I’ll bring anyone new into my life.I’ve driven to Target on a lonely night, an item or two that I might need in the back of my mind, but really that’s just an excuse to experience the brightness, the cleanness, to wander the aisles and imagine the ways I might improve my life. To experience being wanted, even just to buy something, and finally to be involved in a transaction with human beings, and to come home, open that box, set up that chair, or lamp, or toaster, and tell myself, here it is, the missing piece, now things will be better.
